Mommy.. I don’t want to die!
…….oh my precious, precious Darlings! We don’t want any of you to die, either!
Come.. let’s sort this out together.
A guide to navigating the emotions of trauma
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That was scary!
Yes! Yes, my loves.. it was….. for all of us! And it’s important for you to know that your thoughts and your emotions are…. real…. and they are normal…. and they are valid.
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We know that we have different emotions.
There is sad.. and mad.. and happy.. and scared.. and many more, too.. but did you know that there is also a difference in the way our emotions affect us depending on what caused us to have them in the first place?
One type of emotion comes about from when we read or hear about something that happened.. something that didn’t involve us in a direct, personal way.. that’s when we have empathetic opinion emotions.
What we think about something causes us to feel a certain way about it.
If we think that something is negative.. we will probably feel sad.. maybe angry.. or protective.. or maybe even frustrated.
And when we think that something is positive, it produces feelings of happiness.. sometimes excitement.. and maybe even relief.
But.. when we feel threatened, that’s when we feel scared. And this is an emotion that becomes personal to you whether you were directly involved or just concerned that the same thing can happen to you.
Let’s talk about scared a little bit more….
Our bodies have a natural and automatic reaction when we feel scared.. it’s called an adrenaline dump. This is what causes our heart to race, our mind can get muddled, our breathing becomes shallow, our perception gets foggy, and we just can’t seem to think straight.
All of those are natural and normal reactions to fear!
And in situations like this you will hear people saying the word traumatic.
Now here’s where it gets a little more complicated..
During the event.. while you are in the middle of it and it is still taking place, your main emotion is fear.. maybe even terror. Your mind and your body are so hyper-focused on survival that you do not have the opportunity to process the other emotions that are also generated.. sadness.. anger.. frustration.. concern about the future.. etc.
But these emotions don’t just go away on their own.
All the while.. during your traumatic event.. your body has been storing up all of those other emotions inside of you.
And now that the situation is over and you are safe, you have to find a way to get in touch with all of those other emotions so that you can get them out of you. It’s very important that you release them so that you minimize their affect on you in the future.. and that is what this book is designed to help you do!
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It might help you to think about it like this… when something really scary happens, it creates these raw emotions inside of you. And those raw emotions ball up like this fuzzy, green, funky, misty cloud.. all rolling around inside of you.
This is about to be very graphic and I apologize, but it’s important for you to understand this concept so we’ve got to talk very plain and very real today!
Here we go….
It’s kind of like when you have a tummy ache.. and your tummy is rumbling around making you feel bad. But then, you throw up and your tummy feels a little better! And even though that was not pleasant.. and maybe it was even a little scary.. you did it and you got the icky stuff out.. and that allowed you to feel better.
….it’s kind of like that with releasing emotions.
Now think about when you have something more serious like a stomach bug. You might have to go through a series of cycles of being sick and feeling better.. feeling sick again and feeling better.. until finally all of the icky is out and you feel more like your normal self again.
Well.. processing our emotions after a really, really big scary event can be a lot like that, too. You might have to go through the cycle more than one time to be able to get all of the icky out.
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So how do we do that?
The first way to release those feelings is to talk about your experience.
When you feel ready to talk, it doesn’t really matter who you talk to.. it’s just important that you talk to someone.
And what’s really important is that.. as you are going through this and telling your story.. allow yourself to feel those emotions and experience them.. do not try to distract yourself away from the emotions in an effort to “feel better”.. you want to sit with your feelings until they naturally dissipate on their own.. and they will!
It usually only takes a few minutes for the feeling to go away on its own and that’s when those emotions begin to lose their control over you.
Believe me, I know that the thought of this can feel scary and uncomfortable.. and talking about it might be the last thing you want to do.. but the worst thing you can do right now is to try to ignore your feelings… deny them… pretend they aren’t there… stuff them down deep inside you in hopes that they will just go away. They won’t.
You see.. here’s the thing about trauma response emotions… you can try to run from them, and that might work for a little while, but unless you deal with them, they never actually go away.
All of those emotions stay inside of you until you intentionally feel and release them.
That’s why it’s so important that.. when you are ready.. you talk about what you saw and heard.. talk about how you feel now as you are thinking about what was happening.. and also talk about how you feel about the things that happened after it was over.
What to expect:
The first time you tell your story.. it will probably bring up all of the emotions you felt during the event. And I know it may not seem like it at the time, but this is a wonderful thing! When you feel the emotions, you are validating them and releasing them!
And sometimes when we’ve been through something really scary, our emotions can be all over the place. One minute we’re sad, the next minute we’re angry. We’re confused and then frustrated by everything.
That’s normal, too!
And then when you’re finished.. tell the story again.. as many times as you need to. This helps because the second time you tell your story, you will feel much less emotional. That’s because.. in each telling of your story, those icky raw emotions are coming out.. and they’re released from you.
The retelling is what makes the event lose its emotional hold on you.
And so it will go.. less and less emotional.. with each retelling of the story.
I know that all of this sounds scary to do and it might be painful to talk about what you experienced, but doing so will help you genuinely heal so much faster and your future will be so much healthier for having processed those emotions.
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Now let’s validate what you’re thinking and feeling after you’ve had some time and distance from the event..
It’s important to recognize that these emotions are different than the trauma response (raw) emotions you released while talking about the event.
This exercise will help you define exactly what you think and feel individually about each person / group that was involved in the event and the events that followed.
You can use this for any traumatic event, so we have..
The perpetrator.. the shooter, the robber, the abuser, etc.
The victims.. each individual person that was hurt
The event itself, as a whole
First responders
Your parents and family
The victims’ parents and family
The perpetrator’s parents and family
The members of the facility where the event occured
The community at large
Our country
Our world
And last, but not least….. you
Recognizing that our thoughts and feelings will be different for each individual / group.. how do we identify and label our emotions about each one?
One of the easiest ways to put a name on what you are thinking and feeling is to imagine the person (or the group or the situation) is sitting across the table from you. You are safe. They are not allowed to say or do anything. You are allowed to say anything and everything that is on your mind.. you can say exactly what you are thinking and feeling. At this moment, you can say anything at all.. without being in trouble for it.
What would you like for them to know? Is there something you would like to ask them? What is your opinion of them? What would you like to say to them? Do to them?
You can say it out loud if you wish.. but a better way is to write it down.. like in a letter. Or you can draw a picture. You might even get really creative and write a poem. Which ever way feels the most natural to you and is the easiest for you to express yourself.. that’s the best method for you to use.
Now…. take a look at what you wrote / drew / etc. What emotions can you see coming from your work?
….most of the time you can find more than one emotion.
While you are going through this process, it is important (once again) to allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up.
Not only is it “okay” to let your emotions out (safely), it’s HEALTHY to get all of that yuckiness out of you!
So how do we do that?
Here are some ways to help you feel and process common emotions:
Sadness
If you find sadness in your thoughts and words… cry! Let it all out!
Cry alone in your room.. or cry in the shower.. cry while hugging a friend or family member or your favorite stuffed animal or blanket.. it doesn’t really matter how or where you cry.. just CRY.
Tell them you’re sad.. and why.
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Anger
Anger is a normal reaction to feel, and it’s going to take physical activity to release it.
Now, it’s important to note that we are NOT taking our anger out on our family members.. we are NOT taking our anger out on our pets.. NOT on our friends.. or strangers!
It is vitally important that you have a safe way to release your anger energy in a way that you do not hurt yourself or anyone else.
Here are some things to help you feel, process, and release your anger in appropriate ways.
Wad up a big piece of paper and squeeeeeeze it as tight as you can while you think about what is making you mad..
Punch a pillow..
Scream into a pillow..
Scream right out loud for that matter!
Go for batting practice and imagine the ball is all of your anger… and swing with all of your might..
Bounce a ball..
Dribble a basketball..
Any physical activity that comes naturally to you and that you can perform safely.
The keys to releasing your anger energy are this…
You think about the person or situation that caused the anger while you are doing the activity..
and you continue the activity until you feel the release of the emotion.
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Frustration
Many times, frustration and anger are partner emotions.. sadness and frustration can also be partner emotions. That means that if you are feeling frustrated, look for anger and or sadness to come along with it.
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Fear and Anxiety
These are two emotions that our bodies seem to have no trouble experiencing on its own!
You want to be careful here that you are not going down a rabbit hole of worry and self-doubt.. so when you start to feel anxious or fearful, try to figure out what is causing it. That way you can deal with that situation directly to resolve it.
If you can’t put your finger directly on what the source is, then try some of these things to relax your body and mind.
The first thing to try are mindfullness exercises..
Use the 3 – 3 – 3 Rule… look around and identify 3 things from your environment.. listen and identify 3 sounds.. move 3 body parts. Or.. find 3 red objects.. find 3 round objects.. find 3 soft objects.
This re-directs your brain and gets you un-focused on the rabbit hole of worry you were headed down.
And there are other things that you can add to your daily routine to help you feel grounded.
Breathing exercises are wonderful for immediate release of the fight / flight response….
You’re going to breathe in through your nose for a count of 5, hold it for a count of 5, exhale all that you can through your nose and then open your mouth and exhale the rest. Do this 3 or 4 times and your body will naturally calm down.
Get grounded.. take your shoes off and stand in the grass for a little while.
Some people are experiencing relief with ‘tapping’ exercises.. it’s a little more involved than we are able to cover here, but you can find free tutorials on YouTube and Tiktok.
Practice good self-care! You will want to take extra care with yourself for a little bit.. you’ve been through a lot!
Be gentle with yourself and with others.
Take a hot baths.. add some lavender!
Eat right, hydrate, and get plenty of rest.
Adding meditation to your daily routine (even just 5 minutes a day) will help you feel more grounded and centered.
Tai Chi and QiGong are wonderful for calming and healing your soul.
And.. laughter! Add a daily dose of deep, belly-wiggling laughter to your life! It’s ok.. give yourself permission to laugh and feel good again.
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Now that we have validated, processed, and released all of those emotions.. what are we going to do now?
One of the best ways to move beyond trauma and feel more optimistic about your future is to change your perspective about things. Everything in life has the potential to teach you something.. if you let it.
Fear can teach you the courage to overcome your fears..
Anger can teach you forgiveness and compassion..
Hate can teach you how to have unconditional love..
If someone annoys you, it can teach you patience..
If someone abandons you, it can teach you to stand on your own two feet..
If someone has power over you, it can teach you how to take your power back..
And finally.. when you realize that there are some things in life that you cannot control.. it can teach you how to let go.
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So instead of focusing on the bad, let’s move into the future being grateful for all the positives we can find. We can start by being thankful for the teachers, the first responders, and the random strangers that helped children to safety and to reunite with their families. Let’s be grateful for our families and grateful for the love and support that has been shown to us from our community and to our community from those across the United States and even across the world.
My parting thought is this.. even though what you went through was horrible and traumatic, don’t let it stay a ‘negative’ in your life.. take the fact that you survived this event and let that spark something new and positive in you.
Let this experience motivate you to:
Plan a career becoming a first responder..
Start a program where you regularly perform random acts of kindness..
Take a self defense class..
Become politically active.. join a civic organization where you have direct say in upcoming policies.. or join your student government..
Write to your state representatives, and also ask your parents and school officials… what specifically are you doing to keep us safe?
But the absolute best thing you can do to promote a healthier, safer future is to live with intent. Get up each morning intending to…
Have a good day
Be kind to others
Make a positive impact on those around you
You fill in these blanks….
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… I left you a lot of blanks to fill in because I have high expectations that you will become a beacon of light with all of the positive impacts you’re going to intentionally make~!
And in case you’re wondering.. here is what *I* am doing to help keep you all safe in the future…..
Insert Generation Love Program information and the hot line
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Ok, my Darlings! We’ve come to the end of our time together for now.
Work on expressing your thoughts and emotions in safe, healthy, and appropriate ways.. be gentle with yourself and kinder to one another.. ask the adults in your life what they are doing to help keep you safe.. get out there and do your part to help keep everyone safe by making a positive impact in your community.. and above all else, know that you are loved and you are not alone!
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give yourself time to grieve…. and permission to live!